Thursday, December 26, 2013

New Podcast Episode: Hail Sataning People Is Fun!

I have a brand new episode all about how much fun it is to Hail Satan people! Thanks to Roger from Tasmania for the inspiration!

Here's the podcast: https://archive.org/download/BlindSatanist201312260230_Hailsmmsmm/201312260230-hailsmmsmm.mp3

and here's the facebook conversation that inspired it:

https://www.facebook.com/blindsatanist/posts/713409468677341

Monday, December 2, 2013

Talent Show

HAIL SATAN!!!!!!!!!

It was an exciting evening for all the members and the leaders of The Cult. This evening was reserved for what THEY called fun. I didn't think it sounded like fun at all, nor did I think for a second that I would end up having a good time after all. Satanic miracles can, in fact, happen as I so learned on that evening.

There was a talent show that was happening on the college campus that The Cult leaders had created and set up for anyone to participate in. People who wanted to participate in it had to sign up to be in the talent show. People in The Cult could show off talents that went from singing in a different language all the way to turning your tongue upside down inside your mouth and showing the audience. I did not choose to participate because I didn't like being in the spotlight and I didn't really think that The Cult leaders and members had any right to get to see my beautiful talents. My talents, as far as I was concerned, were reserved for people who I cared about to see and nobody else, especially not The Cult.

"Come on Ashlee Smashlee, sign up like the rest of us," Gluttony begged constantly in the weeks leading up to the talent show.

"It will be fun! Try it!"

"I don't have a talent," I said lamely.

"Sure you do!" she exclaimed.

god has given each one of us talents. Even animals have talents. god didn't want to make us all the same; he wanted us to be special and unique. Come on, I've got the paper right here, I'll write your name down. How do you spell your first and last name again?"

"I'm not signing up," I said, irritated.

"I don't even think I'm going to the stupid show anyway. It sounds retarded to me. I'm sure I can find better things to do."

Gluttony wasn't the only one trying to persuade me to sign up. Piggy, The Chief, Banana, Thief, Matt the Rat, and a few others tried vainly to convince me to sign up, that it would be fun, and that I would regret not signing up to show off my talent for the rest of my life. They were acting like my life depended on the show and whether I signed up and performed or not.

I ignored all of them and persistently gave them all a big, fat "No," every time they brought up the subject. The Cult leaders and members were very persistent people and often times, they got me to cave in at the last minute and do what they wanted me to do. But not this time. I was absolutely DETERMINED not to let them win and have this wish. I had terrible stage fright and I didn't want to give them any ammunition on how they could ridicule me and make me feel bad. They were pretty good at that as it was. Well, not so much making fun of me but more on the side of guilt and trying to make me feel bad for everything I enjoyed.

On the evening of the show, I was planning on hiding out in my dorm room until the coast was clear. I had bought a little bit of chocolate ice cream from the corner store and I planned on pigging out on that. So I was quite surprised when I heard a knock at my door. Stupidly enough, I answered it, thinking it was my friend Saucy or someone who I actually wanted to see. I didn't think that any of The Cult people would come to my house because they all seemed pretty mad at me for not having signed up for the show.

So I was quite surprised when I opened the door and heard The Chief's voice. He said, "Come on Ashlee Smashlee, it's almost time for the talent show!"

"I'm not going," I said coldly.

"I've got things to do."

"Too bad for you because you have to come now. You have no choice."

"Of course I have a choice!" I exploded at him, thinking Who the hell does he think he is telling me that I HAVE to go somewhere that I clearly don't want to go to?

"It's a free country, remember?"

"Well, I guess you don't technically have to come," he said.

"But I signed you up to be a part of the show tonight. Do you really want to bring all of us down by not performing? Do you really want to show people that you are too much of a chicken to do a little three minute performance?"

I was seething. I said loudly, "You have no right to sign my name on pieces of paper without my permission! In case you didn't know, that is called fraud. You can actually go to prison for that, you know. You can go to prison for a long, long time."

"Oh, come on Ashlee, don't be like that," The Chief tried to soothe me.

"Birthday Girl has arrived. I bet she would like to see you."

Somehow knowing that Birthday Girl would be there suddenly made me not feel so bad about performing. I thought that maybe I could get some support from Birthday Girl afterwards. I hoped even more that we could both think of a way to get much-deserved revenge on The Cult for creating this whole stupid event and for forcing me to perform.

On the other hand, I didn't really want to let The Chief off the hook for fraudulently signing my name and letting him have his way, so I was torn between not going and letting him sulk and try to stutter excuses for why I wasn't performing, even though my name was on the participants' sheet. I silently consulted my demons and they all said excitedly, "Go Mommy, go! We have just the PERFECT idea of what you can do to ruin the night for The Chief and totally embarrass him! Come on, let's go, we're going to be late!"

"All right, I'll go," I grumbled.

"That's the spirit!" He said excitedly.

He skipped all the way to where the talent show was taking place, basking in the glory that he had managed to get what he wanted after all. He was basking in the glory and pride in knowing that he was such a convincing guy. He didn't have a single clue what I was thinking as I walked beside him, trying to keep a straight face and not laugh as my friends all gushed to me what their idea of ruining The Chief's night was.

"You know, I'd like to go first," I told The Chief as we entered the building.

"Really?" he asked, quite surprised. I had hoped that I wouldn't give my secret away about what I was up to for suddenly being so eager to perform when minutes ago, I was refusing to even go and watch other performers.

He didn't seem to notice my change in mood at all, too busy praising jesus about his victory, no doubt.

"Really," I told him.

Then, to take away some of the gleeful edge to my voice that I could not contain no matter how hard I tried, I said, "You know, to get this whole bloody thing over with. It's always better to go first when you want to get it over with so you don't have to think about it anymore. And, if I go first, that means I can leave early and don't have to suffer through all the other retarded performances from people who think that they actually have a talent worth flaunting to an audience."

The Chief wasn't offended by my rude answer. He simply said, All right, you shall go first then. I'm so glad that you had a change of heart Ashlee. jesus is happy, too. I bet all of the angels are singing up there in heaven right along with him."

"Yeah right," I mumbled, more to myself than to him.

The idea that my demons had come up was brilliant. There was this popular song that The Cult leaders often encouraged members to sing along to during bible studies and worship parties outside on the college campus. It was a pretty catchy song that often sticks in your mind once you hear it once. I have to admit, even I liked the song and normally I'm not a fan of religious music because it all sounds so whiney and homoerotic to me. The song has several verses, but here's the gist of how it goes. Also, the name of the song doesn't come to me either, but it's pretty cool all the same. It goes like this:

In the morning when I rise,

In the morning when I rise,

In the morning when I rise,

Give me jesus.

Give me jesus,

Give me jesus.

You can have this world,

But give me jesus.

When I'm taking a walk,

When I'm taking a walk,

When I'm taking a walk,

Give me jesus.

Give me jesus,

Give me jesus.

You can have this world,

But give me jesus.

In the kitchen while I cook,

In the kitchen while I cook,

In the kitchen while I cook,

Give me jesus.

Give me jesus,

Give me jesus.

You can have this world,

But give me jesus.

All my demons Chrissie, Mary Meyers, and Nevaeh all thought it would be hilarious and very humiliating to The Chief if I sang the song about him. When they told me, I was so excited and amazed by how much trouble they can think of causing in such a short span of time.

"You guys are BRILLIANT!" I told them silently as we were walking towards the building, before I told The Chief I wanted to go first.

"We'll celebrate after the wicked deed is done."

All of the members of The Cult were both overjoyed and surprised to see me.

"Chief, you're the man," Matt the Rat said, punching him in the back for a good victory well won on Chief's part.

"Yeah, I know it," Chief said, beaming with pride.

"And, get this you guys, Ashlee Smashlee just told me that she wants to go first. What do you say we let her?"

All of the people in the room agreed and so then Chief lead me to the stage. I have to admit, I was a little nervous once I was standing on the stage with all those eyes staring at me intently. But my demons reminded me that in just a few short minutes, nobody would be smiling anymore. And all the stares would be stares of disbelief and horror, not happiness and excitement.

"What are you going to be doing for a talent," The Chief prompted me after several long seconds of silence had passed. In my nervous excitement, I'd forgotten to say anything or begin the show.

"I'm going to be singing a very special song," I told them all.

"You all actually know the song pretty well. Enjoy the show."

Applause boomed all around me. I wished that they would all just shut the fuck up and let me begin my show already. Fortunately, there were no stage lights but still, I was eager to get it over with, even though what I was about to do was truly wicked and I knew that both Satan and Birthday Girl would really appreciate it, not to mention all my demons who had come up with that idea in the first place.

I cleared my throat and, after thanking everybody for their obnoxious clapping, screeching, and whistling, I began to sing, keeping my voice as smooth and clear as I could. I instructed all my demons to make sure that I did not break down and laugh during the performance. That would ruin it somehow and I couldn't afford that.

"We've got your back," they all chimed.

"Go Mommy, you can do it! Hail Satan!!!!!!!!!"

I began to sing:

In the morning when I rise,

In the morning when I rise,

In the morning when I rise,

Give me Keefe The Chief.

Give me Keefe The Chief,

Give me Keefe The Chief,

You can have this world,

But give me Keefe The Chief.

When I'm taking a walk,

When I'm taking a walk,

When I'm taking a walk,

Give me Keefe The Chief.

Give me Keefe the Chief,

Give me Keefe the Chief,

You can have this world,

But give me Keefe The Chief.

In the kitchen while I cook,

In the kitchen while I cook,

In the kitchen while I cook,

Give me Keefe The Chief.

Give me Keefe the Chief,

Give me Keefe The Chief,

You can have this world,

But give me Keefe The Chief.

When I am alone,

When I am alone,

When I am alone,

Give me Keefe the Chief.

Give me Keefe The Chief,

Give me Keefe The Chief,

You can have this world,

But give me Keefe The Chief.

When I'm having lunch,

When I'm having lunch,

When I'm having lunch,

Give me Keefe The Chief.

Give me Keefe the Chief,

Give me Keefe The Chief,

You can have this world,

But give me Keefe The Chief.

When I go to church,

When I go to church,

When I go to church,

Give me Keefe The Chief.

Give me Keefe The Chief,

Give me Keefe The Chief,

You can have this world,

But give me Keefe The Chief.

When I say my prayers,

When I say my prayers,

When I say my prayers,

Give me Keefe The Chief.

Give me Keefe The Chief,

Give me Keefe The Chief,

You can have this world,

But give me Keefe The Chief.

I couldn't think of any more verses to add to the song and I didn't really know all the words to the song or how many verses there actually were in the song so I simply bowed my head and said solemly, trying to ignore the laughter clawing and ripping at my throat, trying desperately to escape me, "Cheers to Keefe The Chief for inspiring me to sing this song. I wasn't even going to perform tonight but he was so desperate for attention and publicity that I just couldn't resist."

All throughout my performance, I could hear gasps of shock and horror and even outrage. I also heard a few people get up and actually leave the room, closing the door roughly behind them. Twice during the performance I almost burst out laughing. I swear I would have busted if it weren't for my famous demons.

"Ashlee, that song was for jesus, not for The Chief," Piggy said her voice full of outrage and horror.

"Well, that's what happens when you force someone to perform who doesn't really want to perform in the first place. Let this be a valuable lesson to all of you not to mess with me anymore. Besides, I don't even know why you guys are all so mad anyway; it wasn't like I was singing a bad song. I was simply doing what you all wanted me to do. And the song was about The Chief so he should be happy with me and grateful even that I devoted a godly song to him. I thought he'd like it because he's so obsessed with jesus."

"Thanks Ashlee, nice job," The Chief said, not wanting to make the newer members of The Cult think that he was a poor sport and couldn't take a joke once in a while. The leaders of The Cult were all about pretending to be hippies and immature to lure in new members. But once you had gotten sucked in, their true colors came out big time.

I left the stage, smiling all the way. A few people clapped but I definitely got way less applause then than I had gotten at the beginning, before they knew what I was up to.

I stayed and listened to all the rest of the sucky performances, too gleeful to leave. I was sure that The Chief wanted me to leave early so that he wouldn't have to look at me and so that he would have an easier time keeping his rage and embarrassment under control and enjoy the rest of the show and I wasn't about to give him that victory either.

When all the talents were finished and all the applauding done, Piggy brought out the trophy that the winner of the talent show would receive if they were voted best and most talented. The trophy was passed around from person to person so that they could feel and look at it more closely.

I wasn't even sure what the trophy was but I was already sure I didn't want it, whatever it was. Everything The Cult people had to offer in terms of prizes and food and, well, actually, everything else, just sucked.

When it as my turn to feel the trophy, I took it and discovered that it was a large doll. It had a dress on it and some hair on its head. It definitely was anything but fancy. One of the doll's arms was missing. In its place was a huge wad of stuffing sticking out where the arm had once been. The fabric was torn, too.

"Nice trophy," I said sarcastically. I just couldn't resist. As it was, I was already in a huge load of trouble so what was the harm in causing just a tad bit more?

I passed it to the next person and so it was passed again and again until everyone had seen the lamest trophy in history. Once that task was done, The Chief said, all the enthusiasm gone from his voice, "All rightie, let's tally up the votes and see who is best for this year's talent show."

I was quite sure that my name wouldn't be in there. Well, maybe Birthday Girl had slipped a piece of paper in the basket with my name in it because she, no doubt, thought it was funny, but there would be no more papers with Ashlee on it after hers was discovered.

There was some shuffling and muttering from the leaders as they took all the papers from the basket and examined them all. Suddenly, I heard a gasp slip out of Piggy.

"What's going on?" one of the members asked innocently.

"Oh my gosh!" The Chief cried.

"What, what, what is it?" people all over began to get up out of their chairs to see what the commotion was about. I wasn't even sure myself what it was about. I figured that someone had caused some sort of trouble but, for once, this bout of mischief was not my fault.

"No, Satan is not the best," I heard Banana cry. She wasn't really a leader of The Cult but she was a hard core member who was working her way to becoming a leader, at least that's what I thought.

"What?" People all around began raining question after question down on the leaders until finally Piggy said, "Someone played a sick, sick joke on us. Someone said that Satan was best and should win the trophy for this year's talent show."

I immediately started rolling with laughter. Of course, that brought the blame on me real quick.

"You!" The Chief roared, coming right up in my face.

"It was YOU!!!"

"Dude, how the hell could it have been me?" I asked, laughing even harder at his absurd accusation. For a split second, I wondered if Antichris had somehow snuck in votes for Satan before the talent show when The Cult wasn't looking but he didn't really like going near those people. They creeped him out a lot and I was sure he had better things to do than sneak in and vote Satan as best and most talented. That left only one person. Birthday Girl.

"You know I don't know how to write in print. How could I have put all those pieces of paper in there? I didn't even know where the voting basket was. And, you dim wit, I walked to the talent show with you beside me, remember? So, unless I have some sort of magic powers, it wasn't me."

The Chief thought about that more carefully and then he seemed to believe that it really wasn't me. As he walked away from me, I said, "Whoever pulled it off is pretty damn hilarious. I want to hug and kiss that person right now."

But nobody came forward then. Birthday Girl was too afraid to come forward when causing mischief around The Cult. She caused it openly when they weren't around to see her but when she was surrounded by all the leaders and hard core members; she became putty in their hands. I guess I did, too, but I was striving at getting stronger and less afraid of them. It would take time, that I knew, but it was a goal I knew I could accomplish with a lot of effort and encouragement from my demons and Antichris.

I forgot who won the trophy, someone I didn't know I guess. Whoever won it could have it. As far as I was concerned, the dumpster outside the building should have been given that trophy because that is exactly where it belonged. I was simply relieved that it wasn't me who won it because I'm sure I would have lost it or thrown it away myself and then would have been harassed and badgered come next year when the doll was to be given to another person who happened to be voted best and most talented. I didn't want to be responsible for anything those days, especially when it came to things that a lot of people seemed to value but that I considered absolute garbage and a waste of space in my room.

After the victor won the trash trophy and people started walking around to socialize or try and escape when the leaders weren't looking, Matt the Rat came up to me. He said, "Your little stunt tonight was not funny at all. Do you know that someone actually thought that you were singing about doing weed?"

"I was?" I was very surprised by this. How could singing about Keefe The Chief sound like I was singing about smoking weed?

"Well, he thought so. He was a new guest, someone that I invited because I thought he'd like to watch the talent show and see just how fun Christianity can be. I didn't think that he would think that we encourage drug use after tonight but, now, thanks to you Ashlee Smashlee, he does and he won't stop laughing about it. I'm sure that's going to be on his facebook tonight."

"Well, I happen to think it's pretty funny, too," I told him and walked away from him, determined not to allow him to ruin my victory.

Sometime later, I caught up with Birthday Girl. I asked her in a hushed voice, "Was it you?"

"Who else?" she laughed.

"Pretty clever, don't you think?"

"Yes, absolutely. Satan won the talent show for the year. And you really embarrassed the shit out of The Chief. I've never seen his face get that red before in the time that I've been here."

"Good," was all I said.

We both laughed our heads off and then I went home and devoured the entire tub of ice cream with all my demons. I was sure that Birthday Girl would never come clean about what she had done to The Cult members and leaders, nor would she repent. This made the victory all the more sweet and wicked. It was a night to celebrate, a night to look back upon and laugh about, a night to acknowledge that I had actually stood up to The Cult leaders in a powerful, unforgettable way. I was quite certain that they would not be asking me to attend and participate in the following year's talent show and I was quite all right with that.

HAIL SATAN!!!!!!!!!