Monday, June 2, 2014

The Smm Smm Toaster

HAIL SATAN!!!!!!!!!

HAIL SMM SMM!!!!!!!!!

The Toaster Said Smm Smm, Smm Smm!

All of my demons and I are hanging out at my house. I have decided that I am going to make each one of them their own little gift for being such bad imaginary demons. As I lie in bed, all my demons surround me and they tell me what kind of gift they want. Each gift will take a lot of thought and effort on my part but they are all well worth the work.

Mary Meyers: I want a toaster that says Smm Smm, Smm Smm! I miss Antichris' old toaster. I wish we could have brought it to our house.

Blind Satanist: I know. I do, too. That toaster was awesome but it would take up too much space here. Ok, so you want a Smm Smm toaster then. I can do that.

Nevaeh: I want a tree house of my very own. One that I don't have to share with anybody if I don't want to. It will be my getaway, my escape from everybody when I want peace and quiet and time to think of another wicked curse to place on someone and to keep my chocolate stash so Chrissie and Smm Smm don't eat it all like they do now.

Chrissie: I want an iPod, just like the one that Antichris has. I want one that says "Der Det", when you plug it in just like his does. And I want it to have a case with ridges on the sides like his does, too so I can put it in there to keep it protected.

Smm Smm: I want a concertina. I want to learn how to play it. The first song I'm going to learn how to play is called The Wet Vagina, or as I like to call it, The Wet Cunt.

Bryan: I want a recliner. I want to be lazy.

Blind Satanist: You're already lazy.

Bryan: Not lazy enough. I want a recliner that can physically haul me around so I don't have to walk. And I want it to have the ability to massage me with little, pokey hands like the massage chairs in the mall.

Blind Satanist: All righty then, I guess I'd better get to work. I can only make one gift at a time. Who wants theirs first?

That is definitely the wrong thing to ask. It results in an immediate brawl between the girls and Smm Smm. Bryan stays out of the fight, though, because he feels that it is too much work to argue. He just sits there and drinks Doctor Pepper while the rest of them duke it out.

Smm Smm: I want mine first.

Chrissie: No, I want MINE first!

Nevaeh: No, MINE, MINE, MINE!!!

Mary Meyers: No, it's MY TURN!

Chrissie: No, it's my turn, my turn, my turn, my turn!!!

Blind Satanist: All right, all right, I'll choose then. Since Mary Meyers hasn't gotten a turn to do anything for a while I think that she should get her Smm Smm toaster first.

Mary Meyers: Weeeeeeeeeeee, I KNEW you'd pick me Mommy! I love you! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! MARY MEYERS!!!!!!!!

Smm Smm, stomping his feet: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Blind Satanist: Don't fret you guys, you'll all get your treats soon. The sooner you all shush and quit sulking and fighting the sooner I can start on the Smm Smm, Smm Smm toaster for Mary Meyers and the sooner I'll have it finished.

Nevaeh: Oh goody, then you can do my gift next!

Chrissie: No, it'll be my turn!!

Smm Smm: No, it'll be MY turn!

Blind Satanist: It won't be any of your turns if you don't shush already.

Silence closes over us as my demons decide that it's better to be patient then to annoy me and have it take even longer to get their presents.

Mary Meyers: When are you going to start on my toaster that says Smm Smm, Smm Smm?

Blind Satanist: Right now.

It takes Smm Smm weeks to make her toaster. It is surprising just how much work goes into manufacturing a toaster, especially the big, fancy toaster that Mary Meyers wants. Her Smm Smm toaster is not just a cheap toaster that toasts English muffins and toast and cinnamon bread. It also has an oven in it so that Mary Meyers can bake brownies, gingerbread cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and whatever else she wants to make. Once the toaster is designed the next step is to make sure that all the settings in it work properly and that it says Smm Smm, Smm Smm when it's finished preheating so that Mary Meyers knows when to put the cookies or brownies or whatever else inside of it.

The Smm Smm toaster is a sturdy one. It's heavy, too so I put Smm Smm, Smm Smm wheels on it so she can roll it around and take it to different places rather than break her little back lifting it. It has Smm Smm, Smm Smm pentagrams on it and it is completely black.

Before I give it to Mary Meyers I test it by making little cupcakes in it. Sure enough, when the toaster is preheated, it says Smm Smm, Smm Smm. There is just enough heat in it to bake the cupcakes. Once I eat Smm Smm cupcakes I realize that I am satisfied with the Smm Smm toaster and go outside to find Mary Meyers. She and Chrissie are in Wagner's Bakery hiding underneath a huge stack of chairs while Nevaeh is in the kitchen stealing goodies for everybody. Since she is the smallest of them all, she can easily steal food and other things and not get caught.

I wait until they have all their goodies and then I call out to Mary Meyers. She runs to me, both of her cheeks bulging out like a chipmunk because they are full of maple bar doughnut.

Mary Meyers: What Mom?

Blind Satanist: I've got something to show you. Why don't you come inside now.

Mary Meyers: EEEEEEEEE, is it the Smm Smm toaster?!!!!!

Blind Satanist: You'll just have to come here and find out.

Mary Meyers runs inside. She beats me by a longshot because I like to walk at a leisurely pace. I hate rushing and so does Bryan.

I know Mary Meyers has seen it before I even get through the door. Her squeal of delight echoes throughout the whole building that I live in. I'm sure every one of the neighbors can hear her. If they're annoyed, too bad. Mary Meyers doesn't give a rip right now. She's too excited to think about anything but her brand new, shiny Smm Smm toaster.

Mary Meyers: Come on, hurry uuuuuuuuuuuuupppppppppppp!!

Blind Satanist: Don't rush me.

We all come inside and all of the demons admire my handiwork. Mary Meyers hugs her toaster and strokes it like it's the best present she's ever gotten. Who knows, maybe it is.

Mary Meyers: Mom, can I make some gingerbread cookies and invite Shanelle over to have some?

Blind Satanist: You can make whatever you want, it's your toaster.

Mary Meyers: What about Shanelle coming over?

Smm Smm: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I HATE that psychic vampire!

Blind Satanist: Shanelle can come over. Smm Smm, I'll make you a case full of different kinds of macaroons.

He's happy with that and doesn't complain about Shanelle anymore. I make Smm Smm chocolate macaroons and lemon macaroons and raspberry macaroons and cherry macaroons and vanilla macaroons. I make him Smm Smm, Smm Smm thousand of them and hand them to him.

Blind Satanist: Here Smm Smm, these are all for you. Eat up now. Oh, here's a Mexican fancy coke to go along with them, too. Don't growl at Shanelle now, ok?

Smm Smm: Ok, I won't.

Mary Meyers calls Shanelle and in three minutes she arrives from New York in her rocket. Normally the flight from Washington to New York is five hours long but Shanelle has a rocket that gets her to places much, much faster than airplanes do. Her mom must have made that for her, though it must have taken her an eternity to do it since she's so depressed all the time and never seems to have any energy for anything except to stuff her fat face full of Burger King.

Mary Meyers: Look Shanelle, this is my new toaster! Come here, touch it. Oh, wash your hands first, I want to keep the shine to it.

Shanelle, who is also a demon doll: OOOOOOOOHHHHHH, it's beautiful!

She washes her hands and then touches the smoothe, cool metal.

Mary Meyers: Come on, let's make gingerbread cookies! We can eat them right out of the oven when they are still hot!

Shanelle: That's the best way to have them.

Mary Meyers preheats her toaster and then the two dolls start making the gingerbread cookies.

Smm Smm toaster, five minutes later: Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Mary Meyers shouts: THE TOASTER SAID SMM SMM, SMM SMM!!!!!!!!!

Chrissie: I'll put the cookies inside of it.

Nevaeh: The cookies will be ready in Smm Smm, Smm Smm minutes!

True to Nevaeh's word, the cookies are, in fact, ready in four minutes. They are gooey and warm and absolutely delicious. All of the demons crowd around the toaster and eat them while drinking creamy, foamy, ice cold milk with the cookies.

Antichris: Mmmmmmm, gingerbread cookies DO sound pretty god.

Blind Satanist: Too bad they're imaginary, huh? Well, I'll get you a Smm Smm toaster soon so we can eat the cookies, too.

Antichris: That sounds like fun.

That night Mary Meyers and Shanelle make all kinds of goodies, ranging from chocolate and strawberry and raspberry pop tarts to molasses cookies to cinnamon bread and much more. Mary Meyers never forgets to announce that the toaster said Smm Smm, Smm Smm when it has finished preheating. A lot of the time, Chrissie and Nevaeh chimed in and yelled that it said Smm Smm, Smm Smm right along with her.

Blind Satanist: I'm glad you like your toaster Mary Meyers. Are you going to bring it to your shows and bake things for the audience?

Mary Meyers: Oh yes, absolutely!!!!! In fact, I've got a show to attend right now! Come on Shanelle, let's go! Goodbye Mommy, see you later.

They haul the toaster into Shanelle's rocket and, in a flash, the rocket shoots up to the ceiling, zooms over to my open window, shoots out of it, and is lost in the black sky of the wicked night.

HAIL SATAN!!!!!!!!!

HAIL SMM SMM!!!!!!!!!